RHNY: “I don’t go to Quogue.”
Last night’s episode of Real Housewives of New York was all about invitations, which is sort of a polite way of saying that it was all about things that don’t matter, and furthermore, it was about things that no one cares about. At times, it didn’t seem like our housewives even cared. Kelly quit a conversation midway through to do sand angels. I didn’t even know sand angels were a thing that people did.
Can we get Jill back, please? Do we, as a country, have an extradition treaty with Australia? Will they send her back if we charge her with some sort of crime here? Surely she’s don’t something against the law in her life. Was her outfit on Watch What Happens Live a few weeks ago not technically illegal? Or was it just morally reprehensible? Jill, come home. We need you. Bravo needs you. Your gay uncle in the basement is calling.
We started with Cindy and Sonja, who were headed to see Vivian Tam and have lunch, except that Cindy had gotten drunk at Ramona’s event the night before and broken her teeth eating pistachios afterward. If only Cindy were like the rest of us, who eat Gray’s Papaya when we’re drunk in the middle of the night in New York City, she wouldn’t be in this predicament. I’m not a dentist, but I’m pretty sure it’s impossible to chip your tooth on a hotdog, even if you’re drunk. And this is from a girl who accidentally bit off the tip of her tongue while drunkenly shoving french fries down her gullet in college, so I know of which I speak.
Luckily, Cindy had stashed her broken teeth in her Birkin with some denture glue so that they could stand around in the middle of Vivian Tam’s boutique and try to re-stick Cindy’s veneers while waiting for a meeting with the designer. Surprise! It didn’t work, probably because “Fixadent and forget it!” doesn’t apply to stupid things you do while you’re drunk.
Anyway, they finally put Cindy’s teeth away and started trying on dresses, during which Cindy invited Sonja to her birthday party in the Hamptons that weekend and Sonja outright declined because it wasn’t in the right neighborhood and Sonja simply does not go to Quogue. Actually, “declined” is probably too diplomatic of a term to use. She outright cringed at the thought of deigning to go to Quogue, wherever that is. It sort of sounds like it’s in Middle Earth or Harry Potterland, doesn’t it?
Perhaps justifiably irritated that Sonja couldn’t be bothered to drive to the next town over for her birthday, Cindy decided to cancel the rest of their afternoon outing. Her teeth, they were too embarrassing! What a convenient excuse to ditch Sonja, particularly since her teeth looked exactly the same in the scene as they always do, and Cindy had already reassured Sonja that they wouldn’t be skipping lunch. If she won’t go to your birthday party because she can’t be bothered, I fully support sending her to lunch alone, even if it’s not terribly mature. G’head.
Out in the Hamptons, LuAnn was doing the motherly half of her week. You see, she stays out there a couple of days and acts like she’s paying attention, and the rest of the week, she flits around the city and tends to her boyfriend and pretends to be a singer while a “mother’s helper” makes sure that her kids don’t accidentally asphyxiate themselves with their own luxurious hair or something. I don’t know, hair? I don’t really have a funny ending for that joke. It’s a good setup though, right? “Asphyxiate” is a funny word. But yeah, LuAnn’s taking a bit of a 60/40 approach to this whole “single mom” thing.
Elsewhere in the Hamptons, Sonja had arrived in her fancy blue blazer and riding pants to take a few laps around a ring on a horse with Kelly, who has been riding for quite a while. (Of course she has, she’s the ex-model ex-wife of a famous photographer, what else do you think she does with her time?) Lack of recent experience didn’t stop Sonja from whipping the horse around like a moron and then promptly falling straight off of it after a few near-falls that apparently didn’t convince her to slow down. As if we needed more jackassery from Sonja this season. What happened to her? I liked her so much last season. Has she been hanging out with Kelly too much?
Sonja hopped up immediately from her faceplant, brushed herself off and started marching her horse straight back to the barn without making eye contact with Kelly, the trainer or any of the cameras. Afterward, she and Kelly went over to sit by a fence and talk about cocktail parties, one of which Sonja would be having in the near future, but Sonja didn’t warn Kelly that she’d be inviting Ramona, who is now Kelly’s arch-nemesis even though I don’t really remember exactly why they hate each other. Apparently this season’s entire narrative is going to revolve around people being secretly invited to parties.
But before we could talk about that party in more detail, we had to attend a party at LuAnn’s house that was comprised of Ramona and Sonja drinking and arguing about Quogue while LuAnn played bartender in some sort of wood-paneled rumpus room, and then Kelly showed up to make some offensive Indian-mocking noises, show off her jewelry line and get into some sort of spat with Sonja about Elle MacPherson and ex-husbands. Sonja, suffering from her latest case of diarrhea of the mouth and unable to stop herself from being offensive, then turned back to Cindy to tell her that she had marked the emails that she gets about Completely Bare as spam, apparently of the opinion that saying such a thing wouldn’t be irritating to the person who owns the company.
Alex arrived just in time with a warm bottle of champagne and wearing some sort of fur pelt to match LuAnn’s rustic decor, but even that didn’t stop Sonja from complaining about how she keeps getting invited to crappy parties that she doesn’t want to attend. As if on cue, Ramona arrived and complained about the exact same thing – Qogue is too far for decency, from what I gather. Ramona being Ramona, she plowed full-speed ahead into another sensitive issue before she even had a drink in her hand: LuAnn’s weekend mothering. And then Cindy, out of spite for Sonja’s Quogue insult, told Kelly that Sonja was planning on setting her and Ramona up. I’ll say it again: Quogue can’t possibly be a real place.
The next day, LuAnn and Ramona showed up at some kind of dog-walk event to talk about a dead guy’s cigars and how that relates to Cindy. I’m still not entirely sure that I understand what the big issue is or why Ramona cares if Cindy’s brother smoked one of their mutual friend’s cigars, but she took it very personally and practically started crying right there on LuAnn’s shoulder. Maybe he smoked the cigar and told her about it as a way to remember him? Maybe he thought Ramona would appreciate that? Maybe I’m kind of angry that I even have to consider all of this?
Elsewhere at the dog walk, Sonja and Kelly got together so that Kelly could confront her about the Ramona setup, and and the only thing you need to know about that conversation is that Kelly flopped down on the beach and started doing sand angels in the middle of it. When Kelly is bored and no longer wishes to participate in whatever topic is at hand, she doesn’t excuse herself politely, she just…starts doing something else. Right there in front of you! She’s either brain-damaged or incredibly self-assured, and I’m going with the former.
Later, in the seventh circle of hell Quogue, it was time for Cindy’s birthday party and the second horse-riding scene of the episode. I’m not sure exactly why they thought it would be fun to ride horses since Cindy has no idea how to ride one and neither did most of her guests, but we were quickly distracted from the illogic of Cindy’s choice by Ramona’s simultaneous arrival and demand that she only be served pinot grigio with her name on it. Cindy then put her on a horse in hopes that she’d go away, but she came back. Ramona always comes back.
After the guests stood around for a little while and looked at the horses in confusion, everyone took turns riding around on the back of a four-wheeler, but then everything went to shit because Ramona ended up near Kelly and Kelly thought that Ramona might eat her children and it was drama. Which was stupid – Ramona might accidentally call your kids retarded or give them some pinot, but she’s not going to eat them. Much was then made over the fact that Kelly hadn’t invited Ramona to brunch, but to me, being passed over for an invite to a Kelly-centered event probably isn’t that big of a snub. Particularly when you already know she doesn’t like you. Big loss, right there.
Then, unhappy with the level of attention that she was receiving at the Housewives table, Ramona drunkenly sloshed her way over to Cindy’s brother’s table to talk to him about cigars. Cindy’s brother had exactly the same reaction to Ramona that Kelly had, which makes me wonder if Ramona might have cooties or smell like cabbage or something. Cindy had to come over to break up the fight and the only thing I could think about was how creepily similar Cindy looks to his brother’s girlfriend, not to mention how surprised I was that Cindy’s brother dates girls after seeing how deep of a V he was wearing in a previous episode. The gay community is missing an opportunity in that man.
Alexander McQueen Skull Clutch: Big Style, Small Bag
Unless you live under a rock you have probably seen a Alexander McQueen skull clutch. They have come out in every color and many different materials and I feel every self respecting handbag connoisseur should have at least one in their collection. This particular skull clutch is a dead Indian, still sporting a feather headdress, albeit a drooping headdress. The Indian skull is one of many McQueen clutches reflecting the skull sporting warrior headgear. We have seen Viking skulls, Tribal skulls, Greek and Roman warrior skulls, and Conquistador Skulls.
This designer handbag is textured fabric over a box clutch with gold tone hardware and skull snap closure. Inside is a single compartment. Alexander McQueen bags are made in Italy. $1,495 Available here
Fendi Handbags Fall 2011
Did you know that of all designer handbags, Fendi is googled more than any other brand? Fun fact of the day. This collection, however, proves it is no wonder why (excluding the odd felt totes). For Fall 2011, Karl Lagerfeld made classic shaped bags, satchels and flap shoulder bags mostly, with a few jeweled, stingray skin clutches. The bags are very wearable, meaning their style and shape compliment many looks and they could be everyday bags. I appreciate that when I’m purchasing a designer bag…gotta get my monies worth.
Here’s the Fendi Fall 2011 collection:
Christina Aguilera and Her Alexander McQueen Knuckle Duster Clutch
If you can tear your eyes away from the ill-fitting pants and the OTT makeup, and accept the fact that the stylish Christina Aguilera of old is effectively dead and gone, you might be able to focus on her chic bag. She’s carrying the fabulous Alexander McQueen Knuckle Duster Clutch, a to-die-for accessory that women all over the world covet in its many variations. This one, in plain black, is simple – just as it should be, since Miss A could stand to tone things down a little. Love it for yourself? Check out the ultra-glam Alexander McQueen Satin Flower Knuckle Box Clutch for $1760 at Zappos Couture.
Image courtesy celebrity-gossip.net
Katie Holmes’ Ann Taylor Bag
When I see a celebrity selling a mid-range brand, but dressing in and carrying only high-end designers, it’s annoying. I like my celebrities to be fashion icons, but I love it when they can accomplish it on a non-celebrity budget. Case in point, Katie Holmes, who is the current face of Ann Taylor. Here she is at an industry event, sporting one of the brand’s bags. And she looks amazing! See, you don’t need to spend a fortune to look fabulous.
Rebecca Minkoff Cherish Soft Body Tote
Are you sick of snake prints yet? I think I’m getting there, although I definitely find them more interesting when there’s some unexpected color worked into the mix. This Rebecca Minkoff Cherish Soft Body Tote is a great example. The snake-embossed leather bag features strategic pops of plum amidst its otherwise neutral backdrop. The result? It feels fun and youthful, and not quite as severe as so many other snake designs have been of late. Find this for $395 at Saks. Don’t forget: Friends & Family at saks.com: Enjoy 20% off (15% off jewelry, 10% off beauty & fragrance)! Use code FRIEND3 at checkout. Offer valid 4.26.11–5.1.11.
Botkier Charlotte Satchel
The Botkier Charlotte Satchel is for the sophisticated girl who wants an equally sophisticated bag that can transition from work to play with minimal wardrobe changes. You might be a high-powered lawyer, but a satchel like the Charlotte shows the world that hard work and great fashion sense do indeed go hand in hand. Available at Shopbop for $575.
Diana Eng Fortune Cookie Coin Purse
Here’s an appropriate vessel for all of your lucky pennies. The Fortune Cookie Coin Purse by Diana Eng is a whimsical way to keep spare change contained in your handbag. It’s made out of recycled leather scraps and is bigger than a regular fortune cookie, so it’ll suffice for those nights out when you just need the essentials (i.e. enough cash to pick up your Chinese take-out). Get them for $65 at Diana Eng.
Horse+Nail Coyote Scout Bag
Unless you’ve been living under a rock, you’ve probably noticed that feathers are everywhere. They’re on earrings, hair accessories, belts. . .and now on gorgeous bags, like this Horse+Nail Coyote Scout Bag. If a purse could represent the “free and wild” personality, this is it. Forget schlepping around a motorcycle tote with your boho looks this season. This bag is really where it’s at! Available at Stefani Bags for $1,250.
Coach Audrey Sequin Small Wristlet
To put this succinctly, I have two words for you: pink sequins. What could possibly be better? This Coach Audrey Sequin Small Wristlet is such a dreamy little accessory! It would make the perfect gift for the budding fashion maven in your life (teenage sis? cousin? daughter?). Not only is it just the right size for the season’s affinity for all things cute and minuscule, it’s also something you can borrow! Find it for just $58 at Nordstrom.