Real Housewives of Atlanta: “I felt the need to tug on her wig.”

News flash: Everybody still hates Kim.

Other than that, I’m not sure what to say. Did anyone else have a problem finding any kind of, uh, story line last night? Isn’t Real Housewives of Atlanta supposed to have some sort of narrative structure? Because sure, some stuff happened, but I’m not sure that it really got us anywhere. We did get to see the rest of a fairly anticlimactic fight and some friend of Sheree’s called Nene fat. Oh, and Dwight grabbed Kandi’s boobs and then she went to lunch with T-Boz from TLC. Yeah. That was about it. It’s a hard job, but someone has to do it: you can read more details after the jump.

So the episode started where we left last week: with Sheree about to yank Kim’s weave off in the streets of Midtown. Well, not really. All she did was tug on it a little bit. In what had to be one of the oddest Real Housewives quotes of all time, Sheree said that she didn’t intend to snatch her wig off her head, she just wanted to “shift it a little bit.” Which, I have to admit, would have been really hilarious if it had come to pass. I’d love to see Kim with a crooked wig. But Sheree didn’t pull hard enough and let us all down. Kim left with her weave intact and I was bored to tears already.

So Kim flipped out about all of this and had to import a white friend from Alabama and take her to a mediocre restaurant (there’s nothing these women love more than mediocre restaurants) to talk about the particular ways in which she would and would not call someone’s husband broke. Which was fascinating, I assure you. Ultimately she decided that Sheree was crazy (which, ya know, I don’t necessarily disagree with) and that her kids like Nene so much that it might be worth mending fences with her. So, in essence, we’re right back where we started before the wig-yanking!

In a bit of a narrative non sequitur, Nene, Sheree, Kandi and…Lisa? Did Lisa go? I can’t even remember…went to an awkwardly large birthday party for Atlanta’s favorite homosexual, Dwight. While party preparations were going on, the whole thing looked like it was going to be kind of fabulous, but then the actual party happened and the space still looked like a warehouse and it wasn’t dark enough to be a cool, hip warehouse. Still, I’d like to know how Dwight got hoisted up into the tire swing that was inexplicably hanging from the ceiling. One of the great mysteries of the 21st centuries right there.

In fake fashion line news, now not only does Sheree have one, but Lisa does to. And it’s kind of hilarious to hear about it right now, since news that Lisa and her husband were being evicted from their house just came out a couple of days ago. But we all knew that neither of them was *actually* going to produce a viable product in any way, so I guess it’s just kind of a wash.

Since these women do nothing both host and go to marginal parties, Sheree then decided to host a housewarming, NOT to be confused with the independence party that resulted in such a ridiculous fight in the first episode of the season. Sheree’s gun-wielding, athlete-dating, ex-soldier, ex-model friend Tania showed up and Nene told her she needed to eat a sandwich, which was admittedly rude, and then Tania basically called her fat, which was just as uncalled for, and then told Lisa that she needed to cut all her hair off, and then…nothing happened. Too bad, I was hoping that one of them would hit Tania with her handbag. I certainly would have if I was Nene.

And that’s not the only time she got called fat this episode, it was just the first time she got called fat to her face. And Nene’s not a small woman, but she doesn’t look anywhere near fat to me, but perhaps she looks different to skinny people, of which I am not one. Between that and Kandi and T-Boz from TLC talking about weight loss clinics and and 138 being an unreasonably large weight, I couldn’t help but wonder when we were going to get back to the trash talking about people’s husbands, fashion lines and foreclosed houses. I don’t watch TV to see people fret about gaining or losing seven pounds; I have friends for that.

At the end of the episode, Kim and Nene got together again to talk about their friendship and have a glass of wine (I think these heifers have gone through an entire magnum in this episode alone), and things ended quasi-positively, because when you get those two together over some booze, things always end up going well (see: last week’s pre-fight drinks). I can’t imagine it would last for long, though, because I’ve known people like Kim.

It’s always impossible to prove beyond a shadow of a doubt whether or not they’ve actually done something wrong, but as they move through a social group, they continue to make enemy after enemy until no one likes them, even though it’s difficult to prove exactly why. They’ve just got a snake-like, untrustworthy vibe to them, and you never know what they’re going to do with the information that they have about you. They’re the type of woman that has no qualms about sleeping with someone’s husband, so long as he’s buying her Bentleys. So while we don’t entirely know that Kim was going around town lying about everyone, the fact that these women who are so desperate for sycophants and attention don’t want her around is enough proof for me.